daily preciousness

Wednesday, October 25, 2000


It's time that I used my super media powers for good instead of evil and brought to light a very serious issue. Now, you might not hear this problem discussed on the presidential debates or volleyed about on Larry King Live. It might not be the subject of a 20/20 special report with John Stossel. But it is a major issue that affects us all.

I'm talking, of course, about clowns. Clowns first came to this country in the early 1800s, seeking religious freedom. (Clowns worship comedy, in all of its forms, from high to low, light to dark, absurdist to lampoonist.) They came to escape the religious persecution that they felt in their home countries, this we all know. These are things every child is taught in grade school. But you know what? There are a few things that they DIDN'T teach you back then. And it's high time that you knew about them.

CLOWNS ARE EVIL. Let me say it again, Clowns are EVIL. They're just no good. Rotten to the core.

I'll tell you why: behind those cheerful grins, silly red noses, underneath that fake baldcap and inside those ridiculous jumbo shoes, they exist at a level of tragedy not known by the normal person.

Case in point: I went to the state fair last week. There were the usual sad carnie types climbing rope ladders, bouncing basketballs, all smug in their self-made jungles of plush stuffed animals made in China. I could stomach those guys. And the folks operating the rides -- they were all competent, caring professionals, concerned for my safety and well-being. But the clowns? HA! They were just ready to swarm towards any little kid who came within their sights. And they did. They offered stickers, little toys, condescending praise for the children (along with inappropriate touching, no doubt!). Did they offer any of the cute stickers to me? Did they slap a 3 cent toy in my hand? Did they even come close to touching me in a lewd manner? NO! Just like they never bothered to when I was a kid. Nothing ever changes. Stupid, dumb, tragic muthafuckers! I can't stand those clowns.

Those frilly cuffs and silly hats can't hide the deeply disturbed person inside them. Everybody knows it. It's all just understood that clowns are bad news. But nobody's just come out and said it. So I am.

They are rotten to the core. So go home and tell your mamas and daddys that the jig is up. Clowns are no longer welcome in my home, my place of worship, my "Classy Nails" nail salon. I am imposing a moratorium on all clowns, effective IMMEDIATELY.

lens crafted,


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