627.9

I have a net-friend, Jason. He came to visit me from Kansas City, Missouri. That's about 627.9 miles. A long way, by my domestic travel standards.

I was so happy that he wanted to come and visit me! I mean, sure, I have a media empire and all, but visitors are always crescent fresh -- especially if they're fans.

Jason is a great guy. Swell, all around. He had never been to the deep South before and I was glad to introduce him to our delightful and unique culture.

I'm going to change to present tense because I'm just in that kind of mood. So don't get confused. It happened in the past, but I'm going to pretend like you were there with us when it happened.

Here are some chosen moments from the trip, excerpts from Jason's account:

Meeting at the airport - I find the farthest parking place in the lot. It's about a 10-minute walk. In the sultry 80-degree heat. I'm so cruel.

Mighty Mocha-sippy - I introduced Jason to a local drink. It's from Community Coffee, a New Orleans business. He slurps it up happily. I receive my requisite caffeine dosage.

Tour of Jblend World Domination and Media Infiltration Centre - I issue him a security level 4 clearance pass. I swear him to secrecy. Jason walks into the nerve center of the operation, sits on the chair, gapes in awe of my facilities. I allow Jason to appear briefly on the cam. But I worry that he'll steal viewers over somehow by appearing on mine. So I make sure the lighting makes him look fat. (I'm naughty.)

Red beads - I introduce Jason to mardi gras beads. Cheap plastic trinkets. But pretty and shiny. Jason's all about shiny. I give him some shiny red ones with a crawfish (he thinks it's a lobster) on it.

Dinner - We eat with my roomie, Jim. I tell Jason about the suspected drug ring at the chicken finger/MSG restaurant nextdoor.

Magnolia Mound - We visit a plantation that's more than 300 years old. I imagine the horror of having to work in a sweatshop-style kitchen with no air conditioning.

Goth Boy - A weird guy walked over to ask us about paranormal activities. (I usually only have meta-normal ones.) We talk for a few moments when he says, "You may be wondering why I am wearing a straight jacket. I assure you that I am not crazy." I ask him to share some grapes with us and talk about the Myrtles Plantation. Unique guy. I ask him twice where he's from. He evades the question at first, then discloses that he's German, although he has no love for his homeland. Quite the Goth.

Ms. Kitty Fontanot - Our tourguide is an elderly lady, cute as a button, but give us such a canned speech that she repeats it word-for-word every time. Ms. Kitty's like a life sized wind-up Golden Girl doll. (The Betty White character.)

Audubon Plantation - We take a quick stroll around the grounds. We're just in time to see an albino peacock strut his stuff. Gorgeous. Such gay birds. Peacocks and flamingos should be the official birds of gay people. I just want to make my position on that clear.

Hmmm. Or maybe this should be:



It's the Great American Cock.

Rural Life Museum - I show Jason just what the slave quarters would've looked like had I been his negro manservant back "in the days." We marvel at the ingenuity of ceiling fans made of palmetto leaves. We both are happy to be living right now instead of back then.

Motel 8 - Located in "the hood," Jason quickly realizes that the downtown New Orleans Hilton is the way to go. Jeffrey breathes a sigh of relief. (I'm allergic to polyester curtains.)

French Quarter tour - We see the Cabildo, learn a little Louisiana history, drink pina coladas, see the French Market. Jason collects souvenirs for the folks back home. He buys (slightly devilish looking) magnets. I pray that they don't hold a dangerous voodoo curse!

Court of Two Sisters - Delicious meal with delicious company and delicious atmosphere. Wish I could say the same of our waiting staff. They were kinda lame. Great experience, though.

Bourbon Street - Need I say more? It's famous for its craziness. And bad smells. We experienced both. Ick!

Sunday Brunch - Huge meal with champagne, a jazz band entertaining us, plus great food. Jason tried Bananas Foster and wasn't as thrilled as I thought he'd be. But I love the stuff.

Audobon Aquarium - We got there for the shark tank feeding. It was great to see the sting rays chomp up the chum. They seemed particularly hungry. I guess being that flat makes you want to eat more.

Mardi Gras World - A new sight for me. We glimpsed at the real focus of Mardi Gras -- the floats that people ride on during the parades. Amazing lights. Great chance to really examine them up close, without all the wildness of the holiday.

Breakfast in Bed - Jason is so sweet that he prepares me a great meal right before he has to leave. I wake up happy to eat, but sad to say "goodbye."

Fin - We have to part. But I promise to meet again one day. (The 627.9 miles won't stop me!)

Special Thanks to Jason for coming by and having so much fun with me! (: