daily preciousness

Saturday, July 22, 2000

introducing G

I'm sorry. I know I�ve let you down lately, J-blend journal readers. So give me a break. School�s done its usual number on me. And I just haven�t had any moments of particular inspiration worthy of your time and attention.

So to end this little literary dry spell, I thought that I�d introduce you to my friend, Gavin


(Gavin trapped in scannerland.)


Of all the guys on the 35th inspection team at the meat and poultry division of the Department of Agriculture, he's certainly the most amiable. If you ever indulge in over-the-counter frozen meat and vegetable pie products, you have a lot to thank this guy for.

Gavin�s a swell guy that met me online a few months back. We chat online quite a bit and on the phone, too. When we spoke last, he consented to a brief interview for my readers with my widdle punkin -- er -- I mean, "friend."

Jeffrey: Why the hell are you talking to me?

Gavin: Uhhhh. Because � without going into anything intense� I love you. Did you just put that down that I just said that?

J: Yes, I did. Don�t worry. I can type like an amazon secretary on steroids. How are you doing?

G: (Apropos of nothing) Boy, a taco sounds really good right about now.

J: If you were a soft drink, which one would you be and why?

G: A soft drink? (In a deliberate mocking tone) A carbonated beverage, one might say� I would be a orange cream soda because it�s sweet and I have that round kind of flavor to me, the round kind of flavor of orange and cream in the wonderful land of carbonated water� and I look good in a bottle. Just wait until you see me in a bottle, baby.

J: What is your opinion of beauty pageants for ten-year-old girls?

G: I think they�re an essential component of society and whoever thought them up needs to have a holiday commemorating them, their birth and their death. And I think children should be let out of school and families should be able to have nice little picnics and bond, you know, family stuff. Praise the Lord for their precious little beauty pageants for their little girls.� (Sighs a big sigh, pauses.) Wait. What about hermaphrodites?

J: I don�t know -- what about them?

G: They should have beauty pageants as well!

J: Why?

G: You�re joking, right?

J: No. (With a right-wing extremist bible-thumper�s tone) Explain to me why they should have special rights, those freaks?

G: I can�t explain to you it if you don�t already know!

J: (Senses Gavin�s discomfort on this subject. Quickly composes next question.) What would you ask me if you had the chance?

G: (Voice softens as though his larynx was dried with Snuggle fabric softener) I�d ask, "Would you run away with me to Paris and watch Fantasia on a big screen TV and cuddle?"

J: And I�d answer, "Oui, mon petit chien."

G: It would be so fun to watch Fantasia with you and cuddle.

J: Would it be in French? Would I understand it?

G: There�s no dialogue in it, so it�d be no problem. (Rethinks the response) They all wear berets and smell bad in the French version.

J: If you could go anywhere and eat anything while you were there, where would you go and what would you eat?

G: Hmmm. I�d be in Louisiana, with my baby, sharing a carton of Scooby-Doo ice cream.

J: If you had a thousand dollars, what would you do with it?

G: Oh, I would give it to friends of mine in Chicago who are having another baby, so it would help them out with their expenses. They�re wonderful people and they have gifted babies that are wonderful and beautiful.

J: So you're saying that you would subsidize their breeding program, right?

G: They only have one other baby besides this one coming. They�re not just like some crazy �ho. (pause) "If I had a million dollars�" Now I have that Bare naked ladies song in my head.

J: On a deserted island, what toiletry items would you bring with you and why?

G: I think it would be a toothbrush and toothpaste. Because I don�t want my teeth to rot � and just skip (B) and go directly to (C) I won�t be able to kiss anybody if my teeth stink since no one would want to. (D) It�s just common sense, I guess.

J: Have you ever been abused by a sockhead (a fellow fan of Sifl 'n' Olly)?

G: Physically, you mean? I�ve only ever met one, offline, I mean. Why do you ask?

J: I�m just concerned for you. Describe your most embarrassing experience with a Sockhead.

G: Well, there was that time when I killed her parents. That was kind of embarrassing.

J: Is there anything you�d like to get off your chest for my readership?

G: You know, I don�t know!

J: This is really important � it�s about my public!

G: Well, I don�t owe them anything. Screw them. (Pause.) Well, for a very, very long time, I�ve been putting down the movie Eyes Wide Shut, but now I want to see it again. And I feel that I should just let them know that I seriously love Jeffrey. And I�m not ashamed to admit it. I want your readers to know that because I�m claiming you, for the United States of Gavin... and for the entire GavinVerse!

J: So when do you think you�ll plant that flag?

G: Randy! Umm. August 17th, at 8 p.m.

J: What boxers do you want to reserve from my boxer-rama collection?

G: I guess I like the cocktail glasses ones, �cause it gives me something to drink. (Bursts out into that old "Whatever Lola wants" song.)

J: Do you care to comment on the breakdown of peace talks at Camp David earlier today?

G: No, I�d rather DANCE, DANCE, DANCE! Oh, and make sure that you make each "dance" successively larger, with a lot of exclamation points.

J: No, I can't. (slaps insect off elbow.) Damn mosquitoes. Why do they torment me so???

G: Because you don�t shower enough. Maybe you just don�t have a sweet guy their to fend them off. (Feigns Dr. Ruth sex therapist accent) It could be any of these things!

J: Where do you see yourself in five minutes?

G: Five minutes? That�s so far away. I suppose anything could happen. Maybe I�ll be president. Maybe I�ll just go to the bathroom. Who knows? Or I could be reading a story to you.

J: What about the vice-president-ship? Would that be okay?

G: No, I don�t take anything but the best.

J: Any parting words?

G: If you look on my cam in five minutes, you�ll see my ass. (Giggles suddenly.)

J: That�s eloquent. Thank you.

G: (Triumphantly, as though his dot-com had just gone public) I just did it! I -- I seriously did it!

J: What? What did you do?

G: (Laughing) I seriously showed my ass on my cam.

J: (Runs to computer.)

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